time and retorical questions and reflections... basically me rambling...

so this is my reflection on time.

not sure how much sense it'll make sense it is 3:59AM. i am one of the most impatient people there is. i hate waiting to see why things are happening or why this is best.
time has indeed helped heal my broken heart though.

sometimes i wish it could speed up to my full recovery... time has helped me see things in perspective. i am reminded that its because of time a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, the seed becomes the plant, the sun rises and falls, the wound heals and the mind finally comprehends why.


-- why when it rains it pours?

i have had 9 dates since wayne and i broke up, only 2 were second dates in there. remind you in high school and even for a bit there after, i was still just the friend that was a girl, and dates were a rare occurrence... so now im not quite sure whats goin on. the Lord sends me amazing men, at the most inopportune time to do anything about it. haha. but some of these boys have become great friends. so i guess i shouldnt complain too much. but really, why is it that in the last 2 weeks i have connected real fast and really awesomely with 2 men, both in different ways, both wanting more with me, but me never really seeing myself with them for no good reason at all? and also in the last 2 weeks met someone who i would love to have that connection with but...
not quite sure if its there?
hmmm.... yet at the same time, i am glad nothing is really happening. i'm deff not the person i want to be, to be in a realtionship right now. and need to heal a lot more from my last relationship. so i guess i should be more grateful....



-- so i found out the other day

(by my psychologist/councilor/mental health person/whatever you wanna call her) that
i struggle with codependency.
this codependency is the root of my doubt, control, commitment, and emotional issues. my homework for this visit is: to read this tattered and old book she lent me on 'codependency' and watch the karate kid part 1 while taking notes with the Lord in mind...
(i am trying to really get into this & have the right attitude but its not working at the moment...)

--i love music
so i have been talking music with a good friend of mine who is a cello performance major at asu. he has allowed me to talk about music in a way i haven't ever really talked to someone about it. he lets me just flip out about it and love it with out holding back.
i am amazed at how music has the ability to actually move you.
it changes emotion within you, sometimes without us even knowing it. i love lyrics, i love notes, i love the way it makes me feel inside. lately i have LOVED piano music. i think mostly because there are no words. it de-clutters my mind for a bit and lets my soul swim in the notes.
two songs in particular have touched me. a song called
'maybe' by an amazing korean composer named yiruma.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9E6TFb6QRk&feature=PlayList&p=5129AA0B51229BB4&playnext=1&index=2

and...

my favorite right now... (i am learning it on the piano!!!) is by that amazing man Ludovico Einaudi. the song is called, I Giorni, or The Days. go listen!! : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMoVW-paT3w


when i heard this song, the spirit told me that it would be okay.
that things will work out and i need to
just breathe, trust the Lord, and continue going forward.
its okay. breathe in and out. the Lord is aware of you.

--

i am grateful for the Lords hand in my life. i am grateful for His patience with me, His ever open arms ready for me to come back to them, His understanding, peace, and love.
i am grateful He knows where i am in life

and that He truely understands my issues, hardships and trials, and there for me through it all.
I am grateful He shares not only the bad times, but rejoices with me in the good.
i am extrememly grateful and appreciative of the atonement.
i have felt its cleansing and healing powers.
i have realized how badly i need it each and every day.
i am grateful for his tender mercy's He sends to me in ways only i will recognize and understand. i am grateful for agency, regardless of how hard it can be to make a decision,
i'm happy He is letting me.
how grateful i am to Him for everything he has done, is doing and will continue to do for me.