to wait. to trust. to actually believe.

ahh man, life life life. what are we going to do??? i guess just live it up...

i am pretty much done trying to plan out my life according to what i want to do, when i want to do it. one day i am thinking about going to jordan, the next thinking about trying for an internship. one day my heart belongs to and needs someone to function, the next it realizes it needs to strive to just survive and be okay on its own. everyday i seem to be learning or realizing things which i need right now in life. here are some:

~ i am happier as i accept i have many flaws and that thats okay.
we so often want to, strive to, are expected to be [perfect]. than when we slip up, we feel extremely imperfect and worthless. as i accept that flaws are okay, i can work on fixing them and in time and with help from my Savior, i will be perfected.

~when i give up control, my life feels more in control.
i always want to be in control. i want this to work out and be right. if they dont turn out that way, there is no one to blame but myself. but when i take the control of my life, it spins into chaos. when i let go, and give the control to one much more capable, things fall into place. i smile more. my steps are a little lighter.

~smile long enough when you don't wanna, and soon enough you will wanna. :)
work has taught me that one.

~there is a huge difference between believing IN Christ and BELIEVING Christ.
i believe in Christ. in his teachings, his ways, his love. but do i really believe him? if i did would i mistrust his promptings, would i commit so many trangressions, or would i be more willing to do what he asks, more apt to follow his teachings and promptings right away instead of at my own pace? if i really truly deeply believed him, i would trust him more, obey him more, and love him more.

~to wait and trust is hard.
i knew this already, but this has been relearned everyday lately.

class time.

ciao

<3

chillaxen- and other phrases of sonya

i was talking with a "fellow assosicate" at work today. and while talking i reazlied that i have a lot of repeatative phrases such as--

sick!-- meanin1g: yes! awesome! the oldest phrase that died out a long time ago but its my own personal mission to bring it back...

shut it!-- reaction to my mistake or stupidity. shut it! (with a smile) meaning dont say anything, no comment please

chicka BOOM!-- said when punching (or kicking) random things at work

true story/ tis true- agreed.

sad day- dang it, so sad


more to come. cant think.

ciao

.busy.busy.busy.

wow, i've never had a real real job where i had certain hours i was expected to come in, clock in and go to work. than go to lunch at a scheduled time. than go back to work and than clock out at another certain time. not to mention dress codes and random rules. but i guess here is to first's! i am also going to school full time. crazzzzyness.

i am trying to figure out what i really want to do with my life. i feel like those pictures where some one is standing still where everything around them zoomed and becomes blurry. i know i need to start moving too but just not sure how or which direction.

im not going to lie, my heart is still very very attached to a certain wonderful somebody. he knows it. i know it. its not a big secret. i cherish every text, phone call, and hug i get from him still. i find myself taking mental pictures of the moments where i find we are both laughing and reality has seemed to fly out the window for a bit. we both breathe together and just enjoy the moment we are sharing. the goodness that can be between us is such a beautiful thing. but i cringe when the cold and bitter sting of reality returns. when the light at the end of the tunnel dims and the happiness flees. there are moments i think if i had to, i could do it without him and that maybe, just maybe there really is someone who could make him and i happier, but i dont like that thought at all.... i try to see eternity with him, but we know if things dont change i feel its outta reach. ... i dont like that thought at all either... but im not at the point to let him go, or lose him again.

aside from that ^ decision and the absolutely amazing and addicting roller coaster it has always been....
i still wanna see the world. i still wanna get lost and experience being found. i want to meet my new friends around the world. i want my taste buds to find delicacies they've never dreamed of. i want my eyes to see viberate colors. i want to smell the most awful and the most wonderful smells there are to smell. i want to open my heart and realize i am in a place of complete awe and inspiration. i want to find the courage to be, live and trust. yet i catch myself sometimes wondering if i am looking too far when it may be right in my own backyard. not too sure yet... but while on this subject of going away...

what do you think about me going to study abroad to Amman Jordan?? i'd study arabic... salam!
haha. ps. money sucks. can i just throw that out there? i dont want money, to be the reason that i dont see the world. i dont want it to be the reason i dont go far. i dont and wont let it.

(oh my... my mind is going a million miles an hour.) have you ever sat yourself in a corner with just you and your laptop, stick some head phones in while listening to your favorite music?? its quite amazing. im still seeing whats around me, but the world outside my corner is muted. my head is hallow with music resonating back and forth, filling me with thoughts... ahh..

well... i have class in about 20 min. i've decided this blog is more my place to vent and ramble than to really update people about what i am doing.. anywho..

much love <3