wow, i've never had a real real job where i had certain hours i was expected to come in, clock in and go to work. than go to lunch at a scheduled time. than go back to work and than clock out at another certain time. not to mention dress codes and random rules. but i guess here is to first's! i am also going to school full time. crazzzzyness.
i am trying to figure out what i really want to do with my life. i feel like those pictures where some one is standing still where everything around them zoomed and becomes blurry. i know i need to start moving too but just not sure how or which direction.
im not going to lie, my heart is still very very attached to a certain wonderful somebody. he knows it. i know it. its not a big secret. i cherish every text, phone call, and hug i get from him still. i find myself taking mental pictures of the moments where i find we are both laughing and reality has seemed to fly out the window for a bit. we both breathe together and just enjoy the moment we are sharing. the goodness that can be between us is such a beautiful thing. but i cringe when the cold and bitter sting of reality returns. when the light at the end of the tunnel dims and the happiness flees. there are moments i think if i had to, i could do it without him and that maybe, just maybe there really is someone who could make him and i happier, but i dont like that thought at all.... i try to see eternity with him, but we know if things dont change i feel its outta reach. ... i dont like that thought at all either... but im not at the point to let him go, or lose him again.
aside from that ^ decision and the absolutely amazing and addicting roller coaster it has always been....
i still wanna see the world. i still wanna get lost and experience being found. i want to meet my new friends around the world. i want my taste buds to find delicacies they've never dreamed of. i want my eyes to see viberate colors. i want to smell the most awful and the most wonderful smells there are to smell. i want to open my heart and realize i am in a place of complete awe and inspiration. i want to find the courage to be, live and trust. yet i catch myself sometimes wondering if i am looking too far when it may be right in my own backyard. not too sure yet... but while on this subject of going away...
what do you think about me going to study abroad to Amman Jordan?? i'd study arabic... salam!
haha. ps. money sucks. can i just throw that out there? i dont want money, to be the reason that i dont see the world. i dont want it to be the reason i dont go far. i dont and wont let it.
(oh my... my mind is going a million miles an hour.) have you ever sat yourself in a corner with just you and your laptop, stick some head phones in while listening to your favorite music?? its quite amazing. im still seeing whats around me, but the world outside my corner is muted. my head is hallow with music resonating back and forth, filling me with thoughts... ahh..
well... i have class in about 20 min. i've decided this blog is more my place to vent and ramble than to really update people about what i am doing.. anywho..
much love <3
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